Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
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I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Harsh but fair
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
HERE’S MARKY
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.