Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
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Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About