Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
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Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol