Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
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No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
🙂🐾
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real