crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
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The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Home is where your toilet is.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.