when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
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Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.