[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
You Might Also Like
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Knock Knock
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.