Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
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“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
choose your gary
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!