Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
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I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
The French cow says MEUX…
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.