My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
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Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
How to wake up a Beagle
I am yelling
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.