Ape together strong
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If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.