“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
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You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
no one ever comes back
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.