Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
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doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
My five year plan is a meteorite
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.