I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
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I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn鈥檛 know it yet.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
My kids used to love the voice characters I鈥檝e created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
wish me luck lads
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren鈥檛 all that they鈥檙e hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
EMOTICON GUIDE
馃檪 I’m happy
馃槈 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
馃檨 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
You can tell a dad鈥檚 age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice馃槶
The Sun鈥檚 definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.