[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
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My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?