They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there