There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
You Might Also Like
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
why isn’t thunder called soundning
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
when someone compliments me
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.