Nice try Hitler
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I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.