You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
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When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Meow?
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.