Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
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You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?