♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
You Might Also Like
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.