How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
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[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.