You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
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Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
superman landing like a plane on his belly
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
wishing you and yours all the best
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things