My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
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Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…