Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
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My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.