My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
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I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Rambo Rambow
The fall of Netflix
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
I didn’t come here to be called names
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???