nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
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If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.