Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
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Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??