“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
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Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.