her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
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Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
What
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.