My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
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That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
wish me luck lads
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer