[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
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Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh