Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
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“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Fight
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
yes… yes…
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.