When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
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For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target