Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
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If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.