divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
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“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
thanks auntie mary
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist