This fish is cracking me up
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I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”