What the hell is going on?
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Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Breaking news:
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”