MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
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I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]