My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
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A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
dam girl
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
blocked.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?