My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
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When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*