“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
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[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it