I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
You Might Also Like
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry