Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
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My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Does this dress make me look cat?
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot