I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
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An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.