Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”