Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
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me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Always a metermaid never a meter
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.