me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
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The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
So that’s what we looked like?
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.