Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
You Might Also Like
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Every photo I’m tagged in
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.