Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
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Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.